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This Forum is about Christian life REALITY. It's not easy being a Christian, period. Sometimes we have more and worse issues than the non variety. This Forum provides no answers, only a place to vent and discuss.

didnt make it 2 church, i barely remember snoozing my phone alarm. instead i had another episode, voices & this time with visuals. i grabbed my phone & typed out what i could as it was happening. whether its a flashback due to past drug abuse or an encounter with demons...i think its both. drugs, especially psychedelics, are a gateway to the demonic realm, thats one thing i know for a fact. here it is:

* Start about 2pm sunday, missed church
* small demon voice: it can be cruel
* birds chirping
* repeating cartoon sound
* mans voice: youre not going to hurt youre mom
* like boys choir: singing song about Jesus
* woman: theres a good chance of almost taking over
* song by Queen: we are the champions
* mans deep voice: movie rentals on a thursday night
* when closing eyes i see a light show & can see the stucco ceiling
* saw a red banner falling
* saw a white guys head with light brown hair shaking no with his eyes closed
* kids voice whispering: people say things directly
* seeing black pot filled with red sauce and something stirring it
* see kinda like log cabin with logs protruding unnaturally, but not sure, blurry
* mans voice: im just gonna taste it yourself
* maybe black guys voice: look see here, hes got a dragon
* someone: just in case
* think i saw a building crashing down
* seeing a black guy in a black jacket walking in i think in a subway
* older man: yes pretty dry
* guy shouting: pig!
* seeing a gas tanker truck wiggle around unnaturally
* old time sounding woman singing christmas song comfort and joy, then someone saying: ssshhhh!
* seeing a guy drag a flat metal piece over a chasm so that a giant black insect with wings could cross, insect is around 10 feet long
* seeing a white blond girl in like snow clothes with a beanie, she doesnt look happy
* seeing shapes of cars and carpets to lady singing some chinese sounding song
* seeing super tall skinny person as tall as a house swinging his left leg back & forth
* maybe black guy: say something nicely
* mans voice: theyre under 15 minutes
* being whisked around a room full of stuff and then down a tunnel backwards
* mans voice: its good having him waste my time
* someone: you have a glimmer of hope
* seeing a military tank roll by
* man: perfect, thank you

ok im done with this

i just wrote this song based on my last few tweets, pls have a listen:

http://www.fileden.com/files/2007/6/18/1187260/take-1_another_choice_%2010-17-09.mp3

it seems no one likes my music except my brother and mom, oh well. my mom likes this song and said to post the words to it, so i shall obey.

so like, its hard to hear the words cuz im doped up on my meds and also im new to recording, so it sounds fine in my super cheap headphones, but not on a big system...i need to compress the signal or something. u can try turning off or play with your computer's eq, anyways....

another choice:

i keep thinking all night, ya ya ya
that ill be alright, ya ya ya
then my frazzled mind
says to cut my thigh

cant think thru all the noise
gimme another choice
Jesus Jesus Jesus

i keep thinking in my head, ya ya ya
the voices want me dead, ya ya ya
feels like everything in me
is bleeding black ah wontcha see

cant think thru all the noise
gimme another choice
Jesus Jesus Jesus

Jesus gimme another choice

man, ive been hiccuping for like 2 days straight!! no, its not fun or funny...its madness! and its hurting my throat. i think its a weird side-effect of that anti-psychotic med they blackmailed me to take called zyprexa. after some research, i see that yes, hiccups is listed as an uncommon or rare side effect of zyprexa. i called my therapist and he said to stop taking it, and ill see the psychiatrist (the one in charge of the meds) next week.

funny that today it really started to get bad, and today is the day that i had a really important meeting with a doctor representing the government. see, the docs think i have paranoid schizophrenia cuz i have "demonic encounters" and some side stuff too like hallucinogen-induced psychotic disorder cuz i get psychedelic flashbacks. so...... this could all be a round-about blessing in disguise. ya see, if they are convinced that i have a clinical case of paranoid schizophrenia (i personally dont believe i have that), and they see that ive had unsuccessful treatment of an anti-psychotic like zyprexa, then i would qualify for getting aid from the government in the form of around $650-$850 per month.

like huh??? i have always told them the truth, that i did tons of drugs in the past and i get flashbacks mixed with demonic encounters, cuz drugs is definitely a gateway to the demonic realm. but hey, if they wanna label me with schizophrenia, ill go ahead and just take the label (not that i have a choice) and take the cash!!!!!!!! oh Lord, if this is Your doing, that would be pretty cool actually =D i just hope they dont lock me up in a funny farm or something lol.

so now that the government mental exam is complete, and i have zyprexa and another anti-psychotic med on my record, maybe the hiccups is a way that God is telling me to stop the zyprexa. anti-psychotic meds are blah to the brain man.

aaaanyways, ill keep praying for the hiccups to go away, but at the same time thank the Lord because blessings are always in the works with our Heavenly Father.

last night was a night full of a bunch of nightmares one after the other. in one of them i was battling giant man-eating worms in the old house that i grew up in. every time that damm house is in a dream, its never ever good. theses worms were like ten feet long and super thick. their mouths were lined with giant teeth. it was really scary. running from room to room dodging these things shooting out of the ground and walls...sux. then we finally managed to chop one up and to our horror, it started to reconnect itself, so we were at the bottom of despair....

another one had to do with another house, not sure but i think its the same super-multi-roomed house that i return to sometime in my dreams. well all the toilets were broken and all old and brown iron rust everywhere. this house sucked. then something about playing video games, and my brother was getting ready for work or something i dunno. then we got into some sort of argument and i was trying to tell him i was busy because of the toilets and trying to fix someones video game, then he stormed out of the house (we may have flashed back to my old house again)...and i was so sad that he didnt understand. then i heard him in his corvette revving the engines really super loud, and i new he was doing that so that i could hear it and he wouldnt stop, he kept revving it louder and louder and longer and angrier. i was then filled with rage and trying to not go outside, but i couldnt stand it, i was just filled to the brim with rage and then i took a few steps towards the door to go out to confront and pulverize. then i woke up.

that one is so not cool, that was the last dream, and i know the enemy wants to break the relationship with me and my bro, but its not going to happen. my bro is totally awesome, and im super blessed by God to have a bro like that. i asked Jesus if He could make my dreams, and i heard that certain voice in the heart that said that i had to endure these for a while longer.

no worries, its all good, i trust in Him completely. i can tell tho, that these dreams have a little less negative effect on me now, so they are loosing power over me. awesome.

[I]

since my meltdown, i completely cut off the church and christian group that i was fellowshipping with in costa mesa. i really didnt know why i did it, i just felt i needed some time to figure stuff out. i think i finally discovered why i hate all of that stuff over there: i now understand that i hate what I was. what was i? i was FAKE. i was a relatively new christian, and i didnt know how to act and carry myself as a christian, so i guess i subconsciously copied the christians around me. i was trying to look, talk, and act like them. but i wasnt them. i was so fake, i hate it. i hate my fake self and am ashamed of it. and all those people know the fake me, so i guess i need to start over.

how can i be real? well, im trying figure that out right now. im going to a new church in hollywood, and i really like it. im recovering from my meltdown so im heavily medicated, so i have a chance to meet new christians and just be me, a jacked up heavily medicated dude that still struggles with his past sins and is alone in his battles...at least try to be real.

so my new quest is to be real, and to meet christians that are real and that we can relate to each other. ill pray about it. Jesus will provide whats best for sure. love Him.

[SERIOUSLY!!!]

[any cussing in this post is not meant to be un-christian, its only meant for literary emphasis]

well, a lots happened since last i blogged. good things, bad things, blah things, whatever...its all good in the Lord.

so like...my doctor (a catholic psychiatrist) is tooootally freakin blackmailing me into taking a drug that i dont wanna take. like seriously is this rilly happenin? like SERIOUSLY!!! ya see, ok in case u havent been tuned into my channel of insanity... i see demons. yup. i guess thru flashbacks from a decade of hardcore party/rave/psychedelic drug use or something. anyways, to my doctor, these are not spiritual encounters, they are symptoms of paranoid schizophrenia. well, i flipped the **** out one day and the demons had me going crazy, i hurt myself, and almost killed myself. so that brought me to the doc. so if she thinks im schizo, then fine, let her think that. at least it qualifies me for getting all of my like almost 40 thousand bones of student loans from ucla dismissed. thats right boys and girls, thats 40 large, and thats how God blesses if He wishes to...LARGE. all she has to do is sign the paper.

ok, backup just a lil bit. she had me on a huge cocktail of meds (thats a bunch of pharmaceutical drugs, to the uninitiated) and ive always resisted the hardcore anti-psychotic stuff. cuz if ur not crazy already, that stuff'll reeeally make ya kraaazzzy. i tried it for like 3 days only, and i was shaking so hard i could barely put on my shoes!! i had like uncontrollable upper torso movements and my hands were shaking hardcore!! reminded me of that old movie Awakenings with robert deniro. see that movie? remember how he was moving uncontrollably on his meds...now replace him with me, freakin hillarious huh? but believe it or not, that side effect i can deal with. it was scary, but funny too LOL. its another side effect that i CANNOT deal with, now listen up cuz this is really the crux of the whole issue. theres a side effect called "akathisia" and it can range from mild restlessness to extreme inner torment. guess how i get it? ya u guessed it, its bloody murderous hell for me, its something i cant explain...so i wrote a song about it with my guitar (its not completed, i never complete songs)....wanna hear it? well here it is:

i can feel it burning deep inside my bones
it feels like insanity, oh no, its so close
and i go over here, and i go over there and its driiiiiving me mad
and it doesnt matter what i find, im always back to sad

i cant see the words anymore, its a blur
but one thing i know for surely sure so sure, its for sure
that if this burnin up inside my bones was permanent for life
i just couldnt take it anymore....id rather diiiiiieee

a-ka-theesia pizza in your soul
endlessly tormenting deep down in your bones
a-ka-theesia, theres only one way out
its Jeeeee-sus, its what im about

..... ..... what is your akathisia?
..... ..... what is your akathisia?

k, then the song will flip and start naming different things in other peoples lives that could equate to akathisia...see im transforming my torment into what is tormenting you, like were u beatin up by your daddy, molested, friend got shot in the head? what is ur torment, theres only one way out, and its Jesus, baby, its Jesus. we all have that thing burning deep inside our bones, our soul, and the only answer is Jesus. but i havent written that part yet.

aight, so i dont know if u get it, but if i get hit with akathisia permenantly, which can happen with these stoopid hardcore anti-psychotic meds, like the song says, id rather die. how many times do i have to tell them...ID - RATHER - DIE...as in...KILL - MYSELF - DAMM - U - HOW - MANY - TIMES - DO - I - HAVE - TO - SPELL - IT - OUT- FOR - U??? i even sang my akathisia song to my therapist for hells sake. my freakin doc doesnt get it, and my social worker/therapist, who is a christian, doesnt get it. NOBODY FUCKIN GETS IT!! excuse my language, but its just meant for emphasis, ya know.

so all the hardcore anti-psychotic medication has a chance of akathisia as a side effect. and i told them i wont take any medication with that side effect, im very familiar with it, its the same thing that i sometimes got with certain hardcore psychedelics, i remember getting that on this exotic stuff nicknamed "foxy" (cuz it was similiar to its long scientific name) and i went fucking insane all night in a tent in the desert and i was tripping so hard on the psychedelic and therefore mind tripping on the akathisia all night, aahhh its hard to explain to a non-psychedelic person, but ya, a night of pure hell. sooooo, im very susceptible to the damm akathisia.

so that rules out all hardcore anti-psychotic medication, cuz they all have akathisia as a possible side effect, so i wont take it and they cant force me to take it. or so i thought. ya see, remember that 40 large that can be dismissed if the doc signs the paper? well....SHE WONT SIGN IT UNLESS I TAKE AN ANTI-PSYCHOTIC DRUG THAT I DONT WANNA TAKE!!! she stated that in her professional opinion, i qualify for what is written on that paper, but she wont sign it unless i take a certain hardcore anti-psychotic med!! whhhhhhaaaatt?? is that even ethical? is it moral? like is it just me cuz im krazy or something, or is that just insanely jacked up and totally blackmail??? i qualify, she believes it, but she wont sign the freakin paper unless i take a medication that i do NOT want to take. thats bloody blackmail. i cant even believe it.

so, i flipped out. hard. i was sitting in my car in the parking lot of the mental clinic flipping out with intrusive thoughts bombarding my brain, so i took a bunch of sedative type meds, chilled my ass out, and slept in the car for a while. then i woke up and was able to drive home.

so here we are, the next week, and i saw the doc yesterday. u know what? fukk it. ill just take the damm anti-psychotic. so that comes to 6 different pills at night, 3 in the morning, and 1 in the afternoon. 10 a day. 70 a week. 300-ish a month. is my cocktail. she prescribed it to me, and then, guess what. guess. ya know what she did? comon guess. she then......SIGNED THE FUKKING PAPER!! gee thnx ms doc blackmail-u-alot. see ya in wonderland.

aahh, it may not sound like it, but in the end, i really am a christian, and i love Jesus with all of my heart, and i know that He will protect me. i know that my doc is going thru some hardcore personal problems with her marriage, so before we started our session, i handed her a bulletin to calvary chapel costa mesa and said that that was a good church to go to. she seemed really interested, but then found out its in costa mesa and its far, and she has a catholic church she goes to right across the street from her place. then i said, well, if u wanna meet God, He'll be there...and i pointed at the bulletin. she said, oh really? maybe if i feel like trying something new. so maybe she will, and maybe she'll end up meeting the Lord without mary or the pope or the saints or the bishops...just Jesus. ill let God take it from here.

so like ya. the end.

p.s. and dont steal my song, im gonna publish it one day, aight?

[is]

I wake up in some mornings with questions concerning my life: Lord, is this the day I will receive the letter I've been hoping for?  Lord, is this the day when a job will come my way?  Lord, am I going in the right direction?  Lord, please answer me - how long must I wait?

More questions begin to surface, realizing that doubt is the foundation of it all. In my worry, weakness, and lack of faith, I begin to cry.  

In the midst of tears, the Lord’s Spirit compels me to come to Him - to call upon Him in prayer.

In prayer, the Lord comforts me, and by His Spirit, He reminds me of His promises of hope, peace, and deliverance.  His still small voice speaks: My dear child, do not fixate and worry on the things that are before you and doubt the things that are not there at the moment.  I am beyond your circumstances and doubts.  I hold everything in the palm of my hand; therefore, do not let your heart be troubled.  I know what you need.  I know what is best for you.  Trust in Me.  Trust in the deep and everlasting love I have for you.  I will never leave you nor forsake you.  I know the plans I have for you.  They are plans to give you a future and a hope; therefore, be of good cheer for I will lead you in the best pathway for your life. Do not stray. I AM your provision.  Keep your eyes on Me.  Trust in Me.

These promises I have to keep in remembrance and place them deep within my heart and mind, for my hope is in the Lord God alone.  And when my frailty begins to doubt again, the Lord Christ is there still to save, comfort, and ensure me of His promises.   How wonderful is the Lord’s patience indeed!  

The Lord Christ is beyond my doubts.

i just woke up from a dream and in the dream i was comforted and a song was playing that i didn't know, but somehow i could sing along. it was sung by a mans voice that was gentle and country sounding. ok here are the words as best that i can remember:

i always remember You now
i always remember You now
i always remember You Lord
in the end
when all is said and done

so thats it, simple and nice. ive been stuggling lately, on a lot of meds, and im kinda knocked out usually, lots of sedative type stuff, and ive been crying out to the Lord for the....sorta insane discomfort i have in my head and for being so isolated and lonely. this song was perfect for me, cuz in the end after all the noise of life, i have Jesus. at the end of the day, and also at the end of life, i have Jesus...and thats comforting to me.

this performance of "The Messiah Will Come Again" truly inspires me. its by gary moore, a dude from the uk. the original is by a guy named roy buchanan, who did like gospel blues and stuff but committed suicide. his version is not as flashy as gary's but u can hear his sadness thru the song and it makes me sad, and since already sad, its hard for me listen to it, but its also excellent and more moving. ill post both below:

Gary Moore - The Messiah Will Come Again - Live at Montreux Jazz Festival 1990

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lWp-Mazmf88" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lWp-Mazmf88</a>

Roy Buchanan - The Messiah Will Come Again - Rockpalast German TV

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=On5372UztI0" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=On5372UztI0</a>

well, its burning man time. ya that big giant desert art festival 100 miles north of reno on a giant dry lake bed. i would usually be out there like a week or so. burning man was the crux of my life, it meant everything to me. but then about this time i got saved in 2005, didnt want to go to burning man, but God had other plans, i went and met a group of christians out there with the gift of prophesy and they told me all about my past, things that were impossible for them to know, and some things about my future that were right on. i got baptized out there for the first time with them pouring a bottle of water over my head. aaahhh in the hot desert thats niiiiice.

well, its that time again, and things may be drastically changing, at least the paperwork of it all has been probably mailed today. thru the help of my therapist and my doctor, i applied for this thing where the government gives u a nice chunk of cash every month if u are inflicted with certain psychological disorders. if i get it, i would be able to move out and do lots of things and get my new life kick-started, and theyre saying ill probably get it, but it usually takes a while, like 2-6 months for them to make a decision. well, at least aaaallll the paperwork is done and sent like today. and also, i gave my therapist to give to my doctor a form to fill out that would have all of my almost $40,000 school loans from ucla dismissed. yup, 40 g's wiped clean. chances, are very good that that will happen.

so lots of life-altering things are in the works, but hey, its all up to God, and ill trust in anything He decides. i had an experience with Him recently, and it was all about Him showing and telling me to trust Him. i do, so much more now than ever before in my life. i love Him so much and i yearn to be with Him so much that it aches my soul.